stand down, jump commander

[trochee]

It might seem like things have been rough on the romantic front for me -- but it's quite the opposite. I wrote about the difficult spots in the last week not to make Boo or my other friends look bad, but to underline just how crazy I've been for the last few months. I'm finally getting some of the crazy material wrestled to the ground, but it's been difficult to simultaneously work at fourth gear and relax in neutral; I don't drive stick but I can feel the gears grind when I go from work to relaxation.

And my loved ones have been suffering from that grind. It takes me several hours to go from [imagine my internal paratroop sergeant shouting as I mentally dive out the back of a plane]: "deal, cope, deal, write, cross things off the list, go, go!" to a place where I can just spend time with my friends. It's not so much that I'm distracted by not working -- although that happens too sometimes -- but that I'm in a work-overwhelmed state and, for me, my work is frequently a strongly analytic place. Programming requires a fundamental breaking down (Greek ana + lysis, "apart-splitting"), and writing expository text, especially science/engineering expository text, which values clarity and formalism over elegance and grace. Though I like explaining -- I'm doing it right now -- I definitely got tired of explaining things in writing that I figured all my readers already knew. So to get my thesis done, I got into the head space every day of that jump commander i described above.

Even when I recognize that there's plenty of time and the research can wait, and that it would do me good to spend unscheduled time with my friends and loved ones, the jump commander doesn't shut up right away. It usually takes me some time to hit that point, and it's difficult for me to do that -- to stand down the jump commander and relax into "just being". Right the last few months, I haven't been able to do it at all unless I'm with people who love me and treat me nice. And I have that; my friends have been supportive, and Boo has been a steady point for me. But the one thing I can't do is shout down the jump commander. I just have to sit silently and let him rant for a while.

Ultimately

Comments

[chachachana.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[boobirdsfly.livejournal.com]

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have been focused and busy and sometimes, yes, distracted.
But.... you've also been amazingly present at other times and more present than many people have ever been able to be in my life. In Maine you were able to relax despite the fact that you weren't done.
You have had a lot going on and you are figuring out what's next for you.
These are no small things.
You let that commander rant. It's ok for him to rant. It's ok for him to be there when he has to as well.
Most people don't even know how to ever snap out of analytical brain into heart space. You are pretty good at balance. And if you were a master at it, then you'd be 75 or so !
Je t'aime.

[http://users.livejournal.com/merle_/]

Switching between work and home mode can be hard. Moreso if work is full of unnecessary stress.

I've worked it out with my partner, to some extent. I come home from work, have a few minutes of "talk to eachother" time... then I retreat to the sofa for an hour or two of reading, watching bad movies, or whatever (although reading fiction works best for me). By that point I have usually managed to switch over from programmer/logical/argue-every-point mode into more of a human(e) mode.

If your library has it, grab a copy of Home and Work (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0226581462). I'm about halfway through it. Much of the book is repetitive or obvious, but I did discover some things about my internal separation of home and work that were enlightening. (or just skip to the case studies chapter, it's a lot less tedious than the rest of the book)

[boobirdsfly.livejournal.com]

Ooh this is lovely .